Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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