I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
