Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
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I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased