i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...