apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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