i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
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I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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