you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
