I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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