she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.