His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it