Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
