The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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