He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
