____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
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ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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