she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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