i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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