My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
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Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
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I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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