There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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