gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
