can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
