my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
