I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
