1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
