oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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