Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
