my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
