Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
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Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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