Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
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I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
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I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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