Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.