i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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