I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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