I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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