I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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