Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
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For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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