so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
