My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
