I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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