I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
