now i know why i became what i already was.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
why is half of my head shaved?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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