I'm lost and stupid without you.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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