so I'm never txting u again after today...
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.