Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.