i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
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Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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