im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Strip Simon Says: DO IT