I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating