Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
