I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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