alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
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Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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