I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
