I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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