My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
