I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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