I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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